Rating: 2/5
Oh My Horror 2025 | 31/52 | Space Horror
In space, no one can hear your nipple clamp orgasm.
2010 Are we in the fiery pits of hell? Nar, we enter the mind and blood of an unstoppable killer named Jason Voorhees, held in the Crystal Lake Research Facility by the US Government. They have failed every attempt to kill Jason, so they intend to put him into cryogenic stasis.
Dr. Aloysius Wimmer arrives at the facility. He hopes to continue research on Jason’s regenerative abilities. With his cadre of soldiers, he intends to transport Jason to Scanton to continue his studies. Dr. Roward LaFontaine thinks it’s an insane risk and tries to stop them, but they don’t listen. When they go to unveil Jason, however, they instead find the guard in charge of watching Jason, bound and dead. Jason emerges, killing the soldiers and Dr. Wimmer. Dr. LaFontaine evades with Jason in steady pursuit. She lures him into the cryogenic chamber, but he ruptures the seal with his machete, trapping both of them.
2455 Professor Brandon Lowe takes his students on a field trip to Earth I. There, they explore the remnants of the Crystal Lake Research Facility. They discover the cryonic chamber and open it up to find Jason mid-attack. Buried under tubing, they also discover Dr. LaFontaine. She is in sufficient condition for them to revive her. Jason, they believe, is too far gone, but they try to gather what they can from the occipital cortex. They bring them on the Grendel, their ship, and revive Dr. LaFontaine. When Professor Lowe learns who Jason is, he plans to sell him for a fortune.
Of course, while everyone is fucking (it’s a Friday the 13th movie after all), Jason regains consciousness and starts killing. Will anyone survive trapped on this ship?
The Syfy Channel-grade CGI, sets, and costumes are kind of charming. Not bad for a $14 million budget. The gore is cheap, but over-the-top and nauseating, as per usual.
The movie definitely has a sense of humor. It’s a shitty sense of humor, though. It’s things like Professor Lowe likes being submissive and getting his nipples clamped. Or women being men. Hilarious, right?
The action beats are so rote, and the score accentuating them is so clichéd. It’s challenging to stay invested once the action begins. The movie tries to poke fun at the franchise, but in the process, it undermines every kill.
** Stray Thoughts **
- The US Government is kind enough to let Jason keep wearing his hockey mask.
- I love a David Cronenberg cameo.
- They outlawed hockey in 2024. Never forget.
- Love a pilot who loves takeoffs, no matter how many times he does it.
- In 2455, you can reattach a severed arm with nanobots.
- “I bet he’s hung like a mammoth,” says a junior doctor about Jason.
- KM-14, the cyborg wants nipples.
- Glad they have so many grunts on a student vessel.
- It’s a shame that they don’t utilize that nanobot technology to heal all the wounds Jason is inflicting.
- Solaris is so fragile that a ship accidentally traveling too fast can render it completely unusable.
- How do we get off this ship? No idea. Oh, wait, the shuttle!
- Why do they continue to try and kill the unkillable thing?
- Jason, the cyborg, looks like Shredder in TMNT 2: Secret of the Ooze.
- Not the Crystal Lake simulation!
- “We love premarital sex!”