Rating: 3.5/5
Bullets, Bombs, and Babes: The Raunchy Spycraft of Andy Sedaris
After the adventures of Cody Abilene in Malibu, Cody quit the agency to become an actor. We go to Hawaii, to the Ala Moana Yacht Club in Honolulu. Here, we meet Rowdy Abilene, Cody’s cousin. Rowdy also has a yacht called the Malibu Express. He also shares his cousin’s unshakable sexual appeal. Rowdy holds political (and sexual) congress with Donna, a DEA operative working undercover for Molokai Cargo. He wants her to quit and stay with him on O’ahu. But she has a job to do, and the danger doesn’t phase her.
The Daioo family, who owns Molokai, grows weed on the island. The local marshals have kept tabs on them for generations, but the islanders appreciate the work and economic stimulus the farm provides. But something has changed in the operation, and a drug lord named Seth Romero has taken over.
Donna meets up with Taryn, a civilian pilot in witness protection with whom she flies shipments for Molokai Cargo. There, a forklift worker accidentally pulls a contamination warning off of a crate holding a snake injected with deadly toxins from cancer-infested rats. Incidentally, there is also another live snake meant for display at the Molokai Ranch Wildlife Park. Donna and Taryn’s boss, Dickson, gives them the rundown on their runs for the day: a newlywed couple flying to Halawa Valley, and a snake. Guess which snake they’re supposed to take? And guess which one they get?
Donna and Taryn encounter a toy helicopter. Two of Romero’s henchmen arrive. The helicopter’s doors open, revealing two steel cases. The women reach in to take them, but the henchmen tell them to freeze. Donna unveils a shuriken from her boot. Taryn tosses her baton at one henchman’s face. Donna tosses the shuriken into the other’s chest. In doing so, she accidentally drops one of the steel cases, but keeps hold of the other. They retrieve their respective weapons and escape to the plane. The injured henchmen realize the cases aren’t in the helicopter as it returns to its place of origin.
Little do Donna and Taryn know they’ve drawn targets on their back. They jump in the jacuzzi to brainstorm. It looks like they’ll need the help of one Rowdy Abilene and his partner, Jade. And they accidentally set the cancer snake loose.
Like Malibu Express, the movie has a creative credit sequence. This time, they print the credits on shipping crates and move them around a warehouse. This movie is also more coherently assembled — a blessing and a curse.
Ronn Moss doesn’t have Darby Hinton’s comedic timing. And while he isn’t my type, he’s still sexy. It’s not important, though. Despite what the poster suggests, Rowdy isn’t the lead here. Donna and Taryn are. So, having a handsome idiot assistant who only knows how to use a bazooka and fuck is appropriate.
Harold Diamond, who I recently saw in Killing American Style, plays Jade. This film makes much better use of his charm and fit body.
I was a little on the fence about this movie. But then Rowdy produced his bazooka to kill a skateboarding spy, and I lost it. There’s also a scene where Rowdy and Jade receive a note from the agency hidden in a sandwich. After reading the note, they set the note and the sandwich on fire. It’s so funny.
This film loses the country score and opts for 80s synth-pop. Jay Molina’s “Hard Ticket to Hawaii” sets the tone with its breezy yet driving sound. Think Peter Cetera’s solo career.
Taryn has decorated her house with Andy Sedaris movie posters. She has a Stacey poster, buys a Seven poster, and the store throws in a Malibu Express poster for free.
The on-location photography is gorgeous, helping set up the dichotomy between the beautiful landscape and the dark workings hidden within. Also, Lost fans will recognize several shots.
Since Andy Sedaris came up in the sports world as a pioneering sports coverage director, we get a side plot involving a sportscaster named Jimmy John. It’s pretty weak, but I think he interviews actual sports stars?
If I hadn’t seen Malibu Express, this may have rocked my world. It’s altogether a better movie, but some of the prior film’s charm is the lack of coherence. Still, fans of action exploitation films must check this out.