Rating: 2.5/5
Hooptober 2.0 | 14/31 | Takashi Miike 4/5
There was a time when being a man meant being yakuza. Me, my life was like lukewarm water. Then, I met him.
Yakuza boss Kamiura takes a samurai blade through a rival gang’s hideout. Hacked and slashed to bits, he makes it through. The boss shoots him several times. Though faltering, Kamiura continues. Three men take turns stabbing him in the chest, but he persists, killing them and the boss.
Kamiura makes his way to his girlfriend’s place. She holds him for a bit before he pulls back her hair. He bites her neck and drinks her blood.
Cut to a bathhouse, where Kageyama observes Kamiura bathing, wound-free and smiling. The boss is benevolent and looks out for people in the town, even during a recession. Kageyama aspires to be like him. He especially likes the boss’ sick full-back tattoo.
One night, Kamiura takes Kageyama to a tea house. But this is no ordinary tea house — to the right client, the tea house serves the blood of criminals. Kamiura offers some to Kageyama, who gladly accepts it.
We vibe with the yakuza for, like, 15 minutes. Then, a priest walks into town like we’re in a dang old western — our clue to how we should watch this movie. And, you know, the whistle score with breakbeats behind it.
Kamiura warns the priest for returning despite his ban from the town. A fight ensues, and Kageyama comes to the boss’ defense. The priest produces a gun that shoots electricity into Kamiura. The priest’s associate twists Kamiura’s head off and draws blood from the body.
Kageyama sees that one of his associates has betrayed them before the priest shoots him. When he comes to, he holds Kamiura’s head in mourning. The head comes to life and bites Kageyama’s neck.
Drink of my blood and become a yakuza vampire!
Kageyama feels a new sensation as a tattoo appears on his back — the same one his boss had. How will Kageyama handle his new vampirism? Not well!
Miike knows that if you are going to do vampire shit, it has to be at least a little gay. I could have used a lot more, though.
Also, I love a vampire who uses his power for good (relatively speaking).
In addition to vampires, we also get kappas. In Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, where they travel to the Edo period, everyone thinks the turtles are kappas. Although here, they are much sillier and humanoid.
The movie fluctuates from impossibly quiet to Miike-silly. As it progresses, it gets sillier, which at least keeps it interesting. If set pieces were the only thing a movie needed, we’d have a classic. But the plot devolves into nonsense and doesn’t resolve. Like, at all.
Sometimes, yakuza just gotta go wild.
I want to know what Japanese word they translated to “crapola.”
I am once again asking Miike to cut 30 minutes from his movies. I laughed a few times, but I was ready for this to end well before the frog yuru-kyara appeared. The final fight is funny, especially for how much build-up it gets, but it just feels like Miike is fucking with the audience at this point.