Rating: 3/5
Hooptober 4.0 | 30/31 | Tobe Hooper 1/2
That which is dead… cannot eternal lie. With strange eons… even death may die.
Leslie Doyle moves her and her two children, Jonathan and Jamie, 26 hours into a mortuary, beginning a new job as a mortician. Upon arrival, they see the dilapidated mortuary reeking due to an overflowing sewage tank.
Regardless, the children make the most of it. Jonathan moves into the attic room, with bars on the windows and “Bobby F” carved on the windowsill. Jamie claims to be afraid of dead bodies but is more than eager to become her mom’s assistant.
The mortuary holds many secrets — a star-shaped key, a knee-high metal door leading to (???), and a mysterious black ooze that seems drawn to blood. Once Jonathan gets a job, he learns about Bobby Fowler and the horrifying town legends regarding the mortuary.
What is myth, and what is truth? When some town teens break into a mausoleum, they learn firsthand.
The same writers worked on this and the Toolbox Murders remake. Both movies introduce us to a slew of characters before we have any sense of a plot. Not that I have a problem with it — it just makes writing reviews more difficult.
Toby Hooper never shies away from humor amidst the dread. It’s probably the thing that audiences hate most about his movies. But having a town full of weirdos keeps the movie interesting.
That said, Leslie’s storyline is practically slapstick, but the score only has the “ominous” tone, so we get some disjointed scenes.
The color grading is mostly putrid green and spray-tan orange — peak early-00s aesthetic.
Overall, this feels a little like Texas Chainsaw II. It’s not as fun, but it’s an easy-going romp that asks little of the audience.
** Stray Thoughts / Spoilers **
- Eliot Cook greets them, laughing hysterically and shaking with excitement, like a dog who hasn’t seen their owner in a year.
- Eliot tried to get a prison work crew to clean up. The prison deemed it unsafe to expose inmates to mortuary chemicals.
- Seeing Denise Crosby doing anything other than TNG is a little surreal. TIL Bing Crosby was her grandfather!
- Jonathan introduces himself to Cal. Cal pretends to put out a hand, but then drops it and says, “So?” The girls with Cal laugh, give Jonathan the finger, and tell Cal it was a “good one.”
- Jonathan sees a stone angel in the graveyard and says, “Fuck you, you stupid piece of shit.”
- Bug Hall, as an asshole teen, is so funny.
- Lee Garlington is funny! I’ve seen her somewhere else, but I can’t place it.
- Michael Shamus Wiles is someone I recognize only from his brief scene in Fight Club as the bartender Edward Norton meets who thinks Norton is testing him by asking him about Fight Club. I watched that movie way too much.
- “Together we can stop graveyard babies,” says Sheriff Howell, referring to teens fucking in the graveyard.
- “I’m tired of your mouth — let me put it to good use.” Gross!