Rating: 1.5/5
Hooptober 6.0 | 16/32 | Makeup: Screaming Mad George | Countries 1/6 | Luxembourg
Rain pours on the gargoyles adorning the balustrade atop Notre Dame. The stained glass sings in rich color, hinting at the warmth within. Columns adorned with knights and dragons — down the camera tracks until we arrive at an unassuming maintenance hole cover.
Hands reach up from beneath the cover and throw it aside. A mustached man in a sullied trench coat pulls himself up and sets to running. His Oxfords gallop on the stone path as he calls for a taxi.
The taxi driver sees the man. The sewer grates erupt open, and something pulls him down.
Cut to Andy, Brad, and Chris aboard a train, drinking burgundy wine and tallying daredevil points from their European tour. Andy’s in last place, so he must pull a remarkable stunt in Paris.
Cue Rock music with a distinct DJ scratch reminds us we’re in the 90s, baby. They wait for the guards to abandon their post before ascending the Eiffel Tower. Andy plots his jump, but a woman named Serafine interrupts him. The boys go to hide as she tearfully climbs the banister. Andy tries to stop her from jumping, but she jumps. Thankfully, Andy’s already in his bungee gear, so he leaps to her rescue.
She slips out of his grip just feet from the ground. She runs away, and Andy is in love. So, he plots a way to find her, taking him into a world he isn’t ready to understand.
Cue “Walking on the Sun” by Smash Mouth.
The boys are like an Old Navy rendition of slackers. They have no redeeming qualities and do everything possible to ogle every woman they see.
The camera warbles about — it isn’t sure what sort of movie we’re in. It seems like horror, but we get slapstick comedy and vague romance troupes intermingled at random.
The physical comedy is forced and difficult to stand. Andy hits his head, drops hot coffee, and chews condoms.
The script is painful. “Your sadness moved me. No one so beautiful should be so sad.” They dubbed Julie Deply in some scenes because the lines they had her say were a mouthful, even without a French accent.
Most of the werewolf effects are CGI. I don’t mind mediocre CGI — it’s disappointing that the sequel to one of the greatest werewolf transformation movies is so cheaply rendered.
I have a high tolerance for 90s movie mediocrity. But this goes above and beyond to create a grating experience. I’m truly stunned at how unbearable this is.